Here's the product of my Thursday night/Friday morning labor.
Enjoy.
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Bunny Gumbo
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Know, Thank You
Subject: Police Informant, Location: Utopia
John Van
Slyke
6/1/2012
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Characters:
Jimmy, Officer Liz Jones, Bobby, Big Kahuna
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Know,
Thank You by John Van Slyke
(JIMMY stands, playing with his phone. He looks out—we
realize later he is looking at BIG KAHUNA, as opposed to the AUDIENCE)
(OFFICER JONES enters, on phone with earbuds . JIMMY
immediately places his phone to his ear.)
OFFICER
(Not looking at JIMMY) What do you have
for me?
JIMMY
What do you want?
OFFICER
(Fast, through teeth) Don’t look at me!
JIMMY
(Turning away) Shit!
OFFICER
Hey, you wanted to meet face-to-face.
Highly irregular these days. But you want it, I’m here to please. But that
means we pretend to use the phones.
JIMMY
I know. Thank you.
OFFICER
You have to have something.
JIMMY
What’s it worth to you?
OFFICER
My admiration.
JIMMY
I was thinking of something more
tangible.
OFFICER
Like?
JIMMY
A hug.
OFFICER
The big, utopian society gesture. A hug.
You mean from me, right?
JIMMY
Yeah.
OFFICER
Yeah, I can make that happen.
JIMMY
Good. Now. You know the guy?
OFFICER
The guy with the…
JIMMY
That’s the one. Check my blog.
OFFICER
My signal is weak out here.
JIMMY
I’ll wait.
OFFICER
Okay, I got it.
JIMMY
Damn, that is slow.
OFFICER
This goes with the tweet, the letter,
and the graffiti?
JIMMY
Put it together and what do you got?
OFFICER
Our man.
JIMMY
Here he comes.
OFFICER
Shit, Jimmy, you’re not supposed to be
here.
JIMMY
I don’t know that? He’s early.
OFFICER
Really? Face-to-face meet, the subject
walks in on us?
JIMMY
What are you saying, Officer Jones?
OFFICER
Just get over there.
JIMMY
Alright! (JIMMY attempts to hide while
in plain view. It’s ridiculous)
OFFICER
Bobby Thumbs?
BOBBY
(Pointing thumbs at himself) That’s me.
OFFICER
I’d like to talk to you for a moment.
JIMMY
(Out) Watch this closely.
BOBBY
Is something up, officer?
OFFICER
As a matter of fact, there is.
BOBBY
Then how can I possibly be of help?
OFFICER
(Reaching in her pocket) I think you
know.
BOBBY
I don’t think I do.
OFFICER
Then maybe this will help.
JIMMY
(Out) This should be the happiest part
of my day.
OFFICER
(Pulling hand from pocket, throwing
confetti at BOBBY) Congratulations, you’ve earned an individual social
citation. Yea! You.
JIMMY
(Out) But, it all goes horribly wrong.
BOBBY
No, no, put the confetti away (trying to
kick it away or cover it up some way). Sure I know I did something good for the
drowning kids. But I can’t be singled out for that act. I just can’t let this
get out. I can’t have a citation like this hanging over me.
JIMMY
(out) He saved two drowning kids. Why so
wigged out?
OFFICER
I can make it go away.
BOBBY
You can?
OFFICER
Of course I can.
JIMMY
(Out) That’s not right, this isn’t
right.
BIG KAHUNA
(Entering from the audience) Okay, stop
your memory, Jimmy. You know, you weren’t supposed to be there.
JIMMY
Glad I was. This isn’t what I signed up
for.
BK
(Moving toward stage) Jimmy, baby,
things like this happen.
JIMMY
It’s not like it used to be.
BK
What is? Change is constant.
JIMMY
Even in a utopian society?
BK
You obviously don’t understand utopia.
That’s okay. A lot of people don’t. After generations, people don’t have the
same connection as there originally was—back in the day.
Y’know, some people only know utopia as
a Todd Rundgren band. Most people don’t know who the hell Todd Rundgren is. I
feel bad for the poor guy. But my point is, how can we expect people to truly
understand what we represent. We’re an ideal. How can an ideal exist? It can’t!
So when somebody doesn’t want to be singled out as a fine citizen, how can we
force it upon them? Let’s be practical, okay?
JIMMY
This is making me feel worse.
BK
Don’t let it get to you. You’re good at
your job. (Beat—referring to BOBBY and OFFICER) Do we still need these memory holograms
here?
JIMMY
Oh. No, no. (JIMMY motions for the
holograms of BOBBY and OFFICER to leave)
BK
(as BOBBY and OFFICER leave) It’s just
that I’m talking to you, and I see this thing out of the corner of my eye. And
I think they’re going to start talking to me. It’s freaking me out, y’know?
Glory be.
Okay. I was saying. Yeah. You’re good at
your job. You can find things out that others can’t. Whatever we need. And not
get found out. That’s a gift. But. Jimmy. Times are changing. We just might
need you to find out different things
from now on.
JIMMY
Like what?
BK
That’s to be determined.
JIMMY
I won’t be informing you about good
things anymore? (Pause) I just become like any other informant in the outside
world? (Pause) Then I don’t want this job.
BK
(smiling) You are placed in a job based
on your abilities. Think of how many people in the outside world are in jobs
they have no real aptitude for. They get into it because they think it’s marketable.
But you really should have the talent. Here, Jimmy, you have a talent and we
find the market for you. Ba-da-bing-ba-da-boo. (Beat) You should be happy about
this.
JIMMY
I’m not! Not even with a job I’m suited
for.
BK
Yeah, that seems so counterintuitive to
me, I’m at a loss. Jimmy, thank you for bringing your concerns to me.
JIMMY
You don’t care about my concern.
BK
No, I do. I just won’t do anything about
it. See, Jimmy, it’s about the why. Not wanting to be congratulated, to be
singled out, that’s the what. Getting upset, that’s “how” you react. But. Get
to the why of this situation…get to the why and you rule. (Beat) You’ll catch
up to my line of thought, eventually. Because it’s for the greater good of our
society to move beyond where we are and deal with the experience of our fellow
citizens.
JIMMY
Even if it makes us a society of people
unwilling to do good because we might get singled out and somehow
feel…uncomfortable?
BK
Yup.
JIMMY
That’s wrong.
BK
That’s life. So, (Exiting) go back to the
real Bobbies and Officer Joneses of your sector. And keep up the good work—don’t
get caught doing it.
JIMMY
But, I’m unhappy. I’ll make mistakes.
BK
(Exiting) We’re a perfect society, not perfect
people.
(BOBBY enters.)
JIMMY
Hey, Bobby. How’s it going?
(BOBBY
gives the thumbs up.)
JIMMY
So you got a social citation.
(BOBBY stops in his tracks, then charges at JIMMY)
BOBBY
Who told you that?!
JIMMY
Hey, hey, take it easy. Nobody told me.
BOBBY
Then how did you…no. Jimmy, you? An
informant? How could you?
JIMMY
Because. It made me feel good. That was
the personal satisfaction I got out of being a police informant. In utopia.
(OFFICER
JONES, enters, listens)
JIMMY
I mean, my god, being able to snitch on
someone for doing something good. What’s not to like? But, you take that feeling
away from me, I’m just a stoolie, a tell tale, a…
BOBBY
Cheese eater.
OFFICER
JONES
What the hell are you doing, Jimmy?
JIMMY
What, he fingered me.
BOBBY
I did what now?
OFFICER
JONES
You made it easy for him.
BOBBY
Oh, you mean I pointed you out as an
informant. That fingering.
JIMMY
You know cheese eater and you don’t know
fingering?
BOBBY
No, I do. You just didn’t use it in the
right context.
JIMMY
What are you talking about?
BOBBY
You’re the finger, I’m the fingered. You
confused me.
OFFICER
You done now? (Beat) Good. So it comes
to this, Jimmy.
JIMMY
It does.
OFFICER
You couldn’t leave well enough alone.
JIMMY
I couldn’t.
BOBBY
You’ll need to inform…
OFFICER
Jimmy already informed on himself.
JIMMY
You mean…I thought I was talking in
confidence.
BOBBY
Oh, that’s good. Any conversation is
information. There’s always need for information. You should know that, in your
line of work.
OFFICER
C’mon, Jimmy, I’m taking you in.
JIMMY
What for? (Suddenly excited) For
reassignment? I’ve always wanted to be a golf ball diver.
OFFICER
You don’t swim well enough.
JIMMY
How about a dentist?
OFFICER
That won’t happen. But there is
something you can do that would keep you in your wheel house but keep you off
the street.
JIMMY
Tell me! I’ve been waiting for this.
Finally, I do have a say in my individual future.
OFFICER
You can teach—how to be a police
informant.
BOBBY
Man, you are so lucky.
JIMMY
(Out) This isn’t how I imagined it.
OFFICER
How ’bout a hug?
(OFFICER and BOBBY hug JIMMY)
(Lights out)
